1. Resist the urge to make your child “feel better” right away.
Most adults tend to view children as beings that can and should be protected from the ills and injustices of the world. This impulse is admirable, if not always practical, particularly when it comes to grief. A child who is grieving has already been exposed to life’s cruelest trick, and there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle. Rather than give in to a knee-jerk reaction to try to somehow erase the pain of loss, give a child time and space to process what this loss means to her personally. In my book, The Ethan I Was Before, Ethan’s well-meaning parents scramble to find a way to help Ethan “feel better” and to return to a “normal” life. Rather than making him happier, their behavior sends him the message that it’s not okay to simply be sad or angry. This leads Ethan to cut himself off emotionally from his family. This instinct might also create feelings of shame or guilt in a child who believes her grief is abnormal or causing others to be unhappy.
2. Create a safe space to acknowledge their emotions.
Instead of rushing to help a child feel better, listen and respond to what she is feeling. Offer understanding and acceptance, and share what you’re feeling, too, to help normalize the overwhelming and often confusing emotions that accompany grief. Remind your child that you are there for whatever she needs.
3. Help them find ways to honor and connect with their loved one.
The greatest challenge death presents us with is how to rebuild our relationship with someone who we can no longer see or touch, and with whom we can no longer communicate. Ultimately, we do this by holding that person’s memory inside us, and by honoring their legacy. Perhaps this means upholding traditions that were started by or important to the loved one who passed away. Maybe it means writing letters to them, or creating a physical space where you can go to feel close with and remember them. It could be doing something a loved one always dreamed of doing in their stead. These are things that can help a child transition away from the immediate grieving process and learn how to move forward without leaving her loved one behind.
4. Give them books to read that deal responsibly with grief.
There are many fine books for all ages that deal with losing a loved one. These books can be helpful — or even vital — aids for children during the grieving process. They can give children a new lens through which to comprehend death as well as model healthy ways to mourn and to regain equilibrium after a significant loss.
5. Give them books that have nothing to do with grief.
Some children just need to find an escape from the anguish of grief, and books can provide that. Humorous titles can give them a release they may need but not be able to find or express at home, while fantasies can allow them to spend time in a different world altogether. Far from being simply escapist, fantasies often also give children a safe space to work through emotions of helplessness, hurt, and fear, because they operate at a remove from reality. Reading about a lowly hobbit who defeats impossible obstacles to save his world from certain destruction (or any version of the ubiquitous “Hero’s Journey”) can help child readers to feel empowered in the face of their own daunting obstacles.
6. Nurture their creative energies.
Death strips the world of someone we love. Encouraging a child bring something new into the world can help them regain hope and a sense of purpose. I wrote my first manuscript after the death of a close friend. Being able to surround myself in a world I had built, with characters whose paths and emotions I could control, gave me a sense of power and forward momentum I had been missing since the loss of my friend. For your child, it could be planting a garden, composing a song or planning an event or trip. Anything that will help them turn their eyes forward and get them excited about the future.
7. Remember that grief is a constant companion.
You already know this if you have lost someone important. But it’s worth bearing in mind that it holds true for children, too. Even after the initial stages of grief may be worked through, and a child may seem to return to a “normal” routine, the loss of a loved on will always be a part of her identity. It can affect the way she understands the world or how she builds relationships with others. Maintain an open dialogue by checking in from time to time on how she’s feeling, and if she needs anything from you along the way.
Ali Standish grew up in North Carolina and spent several years as an educator in the Washington, DC, public school system. She has an MFA in children’s writing from Hollins University and an MPhil in children’s literature from the University of Cambridge. She lives with her Finnish husband and rescue dog in Cambridge, England. The Ethan I Was Before is her debut novel.
